


God I wish I never spoke

by EstherWeepingAngel



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Songfic, Unrequited Love, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-29 00:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8468833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstherWeepingAngel/pseuds/EstherWeepingAngel
Summary: Iwaizumi loves Oikawa.Oikawa doesn't love him back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is first time writing angst so I'm not really sure about it but yeah.  
> Based on Soap by Melanie Martinez which is one of my favorite songs  
> Sorry for any grammar mistakes, English is not my native language, Enjoy~

"Oikawa I... I love you."  
The words slipped from Iwaizumi Hajime's mouth before he could think them over, hanging in the cold air.

  
When Oikawa Tooru stared at him with eyes big a plates and mouth open wide, Hajime knew that he shouldn't have let them slip.

  
It was a cold day, the wind blew hard, and there was snow all around them, covering the naked trees and pavement. The whole scenery around them looked like it came out of a fairytale, but Hajime felt like he was living his worst nightmare.

  
They were walking home when Tooru smiled that beautiful smile of his, and Hajime blurted the words out, out if nowhere, no preparation or "Oikawa I need to tell you something", he just said them, feeling like a weight came off his shoulders.

  
When he saw how shocked and surprised Oikawa was he knew he made a mistake, because there was not a hint of hope, happiness or love in Tooru's brown eyes.

  
Only surprise and pity, which made him feel worse than he already did.

  
"Iwa-chan I..." Tooru sighed and locked eyes with a spot behind Hajime, careful to not make eyes contact. "I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way."

  
Hajime bit his lips and looked at the ground, struggling to stop the tears that were filling his eyes from falling. He thought about something to say, something like "Haha, joking!" or "Oh okay. Nevermind!", something that could make everything be normal again, but before he could say anything, Tooru whispered: "I need to go."  
and walked past him without looking back.

  
When Tooru was gone, Hajime stayed still and let his tears fall, trying to keep his breaths steady while the cold air froze the tears on his cheeks, making him shiver even harder than he did before.

  
*******

  
The next few days were hell.

  
Hajime knew things were going to be different, he knew that things with Tooru were going to be awkward, but he didn't expect the childish boy to avoid him, ignore his texts and act as if he didn't exist.

  
He missed Tooru's smile.  
He missed Toou's rants about aliens, Star Wars, and his favorite bands.  
He missed the way Tooru would shout "Iwa-chan!!" in the hallways without caring about the teachers who scolded him.  
He just missed Tooru, his smile, his voice, his cheeky personality, everything about him was missing.

  
Even Playing volleyball with Tooru was awkward now, and everybody else on the team could see it.

  
The setter and the ace, the king and his knight weren't playing like they used to before. They used to be perfectly coordinated, each one of them didn't need words to know what the other was going to do, but now they were stiff around each other, they barely spoke during practice, and it looked like they were running away from something like they were running away from each other.

 

  
Hajime tried to gather the courage to talk to Tooru, but every time he tried to go to the taller boy, he imagined the sad and pitying face he made when Hajime confessed.

  
Why did he even tell him?  
Why did he have to ruin everything?  
Why did he have to make things so complicated?

  
He was tired of keeping his feelings bottled inside, tired of being careful to not be too close to Tooru so no one would notice, he was sick of pretending, but he said too much. He shouldn't have said the word "love", he made a mess that he couldn't clean up, and he just didn't know what to do.

  
In the end, he didn't even have to go talk to Tooru.

  
It was Saturday, which meant Hajime was in his pajamas, watching some Disney movies like he always did on Saturdays. The only difference was that Tooru wasn't there with him.

  
When he got up to get more Cheetos, the doorbell rang and Hajime opened the door, wondering why in hell there was someone at his door on a Saturday morning at 9am.

  
It was Tooru.

  
He was wearing the blue sweater with E.T's face on it(the one Hajime always found creepy), along with the black scarf he got for his fifteenth birthday and a black coat. He had his glasses on instead of his contacts, which unfortunately made him even more attractive but Hajime was too focused on wondering what the fuck was Toouru doing here in the first place to check him out.

  
Tooru shifted from one leg to another, obviously embarrassed, and tried to smile at Hajime. It looked more like a grimace.

  
"Come in."

  
No matter how angry and confused he was with Oikawa, he couldn't let his best friend freeze to death, so he let the tall brunette go in. Tooru took his shoes and coat off, staying silent.

  
"Come on, let's go to my room."

  
Tooru didn't say anything but Hajime saw how nervous he was so he just smiled sadly; "Don't worry, I'm not going to try anything."

  
"I- I didn't think you.." Tooru didn't finish his sentence and just looked down, not making eye contact with Hajime. It was weird, to see Tooru so quiet and calm, Hajime didn't like it.

  
He missed the cheerful and joking Oikawa Tooru who ate all of his chocolate and sang Disney songs at the top of his lungs.

  
"Just come on."

  
They went up the stairs, going into Hajime's room which had clothes and junk food wrappers scattered around the floor but Tooru didn't seem to mind, he was used to if after all.

  
He sat on the chair next to Hajime's desk while the shorter but sat on the bed, biting his fingernail nervously.  
The older boy took a few deep breaths and then finally looked at Hajime in the eyes.

  
"I've been thinking... about what you told me."

  
Hajime didn't say anything, he just stared at his best friend with an emotionless face.

  
He wasn't going to pretend everything was okay, he wasn't going to play games anymore.

  
Tooru hurt Hajime and he wanted an explanation.

  
"I'm sorry for ignoring you. I know I acted like a jerk and I'm really sorry, I just wanted to think about it before I talked about it with you."

  
"And?" Hajime's voice was emotionless too, he wanted to sound calm and nonchalant even though his heart was beating really fast and he felt nervous as hell.

  
"Hajime you're my... you're my best friend. You're the only person who I can talk with about everything, you're always there for me no matter how hard things are, you always support me and you always help me when I need you. I'm always going to thankful for that, and I swear to be there for you as well, no matter what."

  
Tooru took Hajime's hands in his and Hajime felt a little less nervous, but he wanted Tooru to just say whatever he had to say, even if he already had the feeling he's not going to be happy about it.

  
"I love you. I really do. In a brotherly way. When I'm with you I feel safe like nothing can stop me, together we're the strongest and I always felt like it was us two against the world, you know? But I don't feel any butterflies, I don't feel nervous when I'm with you, I... don't feel any fireworks and all that sappy crap when I'm with you."

  
Hajime nodded, tears already streaming down his face and when he looked up he saw that Tooru was looking at him with an apologetic face.

  
He wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

  
"You deserve someone who will love you, cherish you and feel all of these fireworks, not me. I'll always be by your side, I promise to help you find that person. It's just not me."

  
"Okay."

  
"Hajime are you okay? I'm sorry-"

  
"Can you leave, please? I need to think."

  
Tooru hesitated for a few seconds before nodding slowly, hugging Hajime who stayed still.

  
"I'm sorry."

  
And then he was alone.

  
When Tooru left the room, Hajime curled under his blanket, sobbing into his pillow, thinking about the way Tooru looked at him, how he told him he was going to find the person who will love him.

  
Hajime didn't want anyone else.

  
He wanted Tooru to hug and kiss him, he wanted Tooru to cuddle with him at night, he wanted Tooru to tell him he loved him again and again, he didn't want nor needed anyone else.

  
But now he was alone, crying and wishing he never spoke.


End file.
